Sundown

Sometimes I find it’s a shame when I get feelin’ better when I’m feelin’ no pain
~Gordon Lightfoot

Gordon Lightfoot’s song was playing while I shuffled around my kitchen trying to simplify my thoughts and push down the anxiety. God Damed Anxiety is back.  It puts this tight clamp on my spine where the cortisol moves in and stirs up feelings of hopelessness, lack of confidence, uselessness. All those wonderful wonderful feelings to carry like a monkey through the days.

In 1999, in postpartum after the birth of my one child, I was flung into a psychosis which turned into a straight-jacket and a rubber room experience.  Haldol and all.  (Locked up in D.C.).  I was then, at the age of 33, diagnosed Bipolar. I had never had any symptoms prior to that. But you see, I am Military Martha.  My whole family of six siblings call me that.  I am the sensible one.  The rule-follower.  List maker (thank’s Annie). The one who solves problems.  I am definitely NOT the one who ends up in a Johnny coat running for my life out the hospital doors at -20 Celsius with my undies on show. (Crazy Train 2011)

But this is mental illness folks.  It takes all that you know and turns it upside down.  It makes that positive side of me disappear.  It makes it nearly impossible to reach out to friends and family (unless it turns into mania and then it is impossible to NOT reach out to friends and family and just about anyone else, and even at 3 in the morning).

Even the simplest of tasks cause me to turn in circles and not know where to begin.  I need adult supervision. Thanks Uncle Buck.  My husband of 27 years becomes the one person who knows me so well.  He takes my hand and leads me along through the cloud.  He will encourage me with a  simple tasks to focus on and accomplish, telling me all the other stuff can wait.  It’s not going to be a problem if it all just waits, he says.

Yesterday I was trying to explain the anxiety to my sister on the phone, three provinces away.  It is like I know cerebrally that the task is not important but even knowing that, I feel like I am swimming in goop and am finding it hard to keep my head above it.  Couple that with the feeling of a huge alligator clamp on my lower spine and that everything I look at is somehow wrong: not good enough, out of order, messy, needs fixing…AHHH!  It becomes just overwhelming.

I was explaining how some things seem to help.  Letting things go until a better time, cancel, reschedule, forego, cross it off the list.  Listening to up and happy music.  Walking in nature.  Holding hands with my husband and quietly talking and walking.  Simple tasks: peeling potatoes, hanging laundry, watering the garden, weeding, sweeping the floor, scraping the paint on the house with a warm sun on my back…all seem to help, if I can get out of my own way to do them.